


Severus said it's not because I don't love you, it's because I do

by Greensilver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-13 23:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7990033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greensilver/pseuds/Greensilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Severus and Remus run into each other but as they are now grown ups, they come to some sort of silent understanding. Severus questions how much he knows.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

‘Hermione, I need your help,’ Snape said.

Hermione was stunned, looking at the person who just took off an invisibility cloak. Was this a person? Was this really Snape? She was in her office as the Minster of Magic.

But for some reason, she knew he was for real.

‘Where did you get an invisibility cloak from? And how did you get here?’ Hermione asked.

‘Long story,’ Snape said.

***

Snape retreated back to his office in the evening. It was Hermione’s fourth year at Hogwarts, and he had shown no sympathy to her after Malfoy had hexed her, making her teeth grow huge.

Snape did not feel like planning the next double potions lessons, he had taught the subject for so long he could do it in his sleep. Instead, he visited Professor Trelawney. Of all of their years at Hogwarts, no one realised that they were friends. Which was all very well since he didn’t want others to know what they got up to.

Trelawney was a fraud and she knew it. Except when she was high on weed, when real visions would come out. Snape sometimes visited her in her room, and they would smoke weed together, laughing like good friends.

An hour after Snape entered Trelawney’s room that evening, he knew everything. Well, not everything. But he knew what was going to happen in Hermione’s seventh year, he knew what would happen to Harry Potter. He knew about his ‘deathbed’ confession.

It was all so very terrible. And suddenly, on Trelawney’s table, the sword of Gryffindor appeared. Snape picked it up and touched it.

‘I think it is here because of you,’ Trelawney said.

‘Rubbish!’ Snape said. ‘I am no Gryffindor. And neither am I in danger.’

‘No,’ Trelawney said. ‘Tis a symbol. A symbol of what you must do.’

‘But what can I do?’ Snape asked. ‘We all start off thinking that there is nothing we can do. And once we figure out that there is something we can do, it will be too late. That is how the world works.’

Trelawney went into another trance. ‘Hermione Granger will be Minister of Magic. You must ask for her help. In the future she will have a Time Turner.’

‘I need a Time Turner to get me to the future in the first place! A future where I am actually dead so I don’t know how that works. And if I get my hands on a Time Turner anyway, why would I need to ask for help from Hermione to use her Time Turner?’ Snape asked.

‘Such an aging middle aged man, yet you are still naïve like a boy,’ Trelawney said. ‘There is so much you don’t understand. It’s all about fate. Most of the time fate will be on the side of the righteous and the just. And as long as Hermione Granger does not forgive you for your insensitivity, fate will not be on your side. To ask for her help is to ask for her forgiveness. Once she gives you her Time Turner, it symbolises that she has given you her forgiveness. Then fate will let you succeed.’

‘So how do I get a Time Turner to go to the future in the first place?’ Snape asked.

‘You will have a wait a year,’ Trelawney said. ‘Next year you will be giving Harry Potter occulmency lessons. When you are reading Potter’s thoughts, you will come across the Department of Mysteries. You must then “extend the thought” and use the Mirror of Erised on Potter to summon a Time Turner from the Department of Mysteries to yourself.’

‘And how would I get my hands on a Mirror of Erised?’ Snape asked.

‘Oh for goodness sake!’ Trelawney said grumpily because she was hungry. ‘I am a seer, not a procurement expert!’

***

Snape did it. While Potter was in his trance-like state while he was reading his thoughts, Snape held up a tiny Mirror of Erised in front of Potter’s closed green eyes. Snape concentrated and a Time Turner turned up in his left hand. He pocketed it, and hid the Mirror of Erised in his cupboard, and then went back to having a go at Potter for being such a useless jerk.

After Potter left, Snape used the Time Turner. He went to the future, the time when Albus Severus Potter was there. Snape, with all his cunningness, found a way to temporarily nick James Potter Jr’s invisibility cloak, and sneak to Hermione’s office.

***

‘I believe you,’ Hermione said. ‘And I forgive you. But what you plan to do is wrong. I can’t just lend you my Time Turner just so you can go back and fix things with Lily. After all the trouble we had last year with Albus Severus and Scorpius and their misadventures…’

‘Albus Severus?’

‘He was named after Dumbledore and you.’ Hermione then filled him in on all that had happened. Snape was flattered that Harry had named his son after him.

‘I understand,’ Snape said. ‘But I have proof that I am on the side of righteousness.’

Snape then revealed that sword of Gryffindor that he had been hiding ever so carefully under his robes.

‘As if that was going to persuade me!’ Hermione said angrily. ‘This month the news came out that some historians found out that Godric Gryffindor had some pretty unsavoury views about women. He was chivalrous, however despite that, or because of that, he never saw women as equals.’

‘Don’t you have to put things into context, Hermione? It was all in the context of their times. Salazar Slytherin was a great man. You indirectly admitted it yourself when you just said that you are proud of Albus Severus. But we put Salazar Slytherin’s views into the context of the times that he lived in. If Salazar Slytherin was alive today, he would be a Muggle politician, who is conservative, yet occasionally makes kind gestures, who is much less hypocritical than the leftists and trade unionists.’

‘How do you know so much about Muggles?’ Hermione asked.

‘Oh,’ Snape said. ‘Me and Trelawney sometimes get bored and read Muggle gossip magazines and newspapers.’

‘You and Trelawney?’

‘We are friends. But that is a long story. My point is, Godric Gryffindor, despite his faults, was a great man. You were under his house, so he has made you the woman you are today. And here I present this sword as evidence that what I plan is right. I am right to want to go back to fix things with Lily.’

Sometimes Hermione was so overwhelmed by her work that she wanted to escape from it all. In the heat of the moment, she did not mind if Snape going back in time meant that the future would change and she no longer existed. She knew she was acting out of character. But what is character and what is personality? Except a combination of thoughts and moments, as delicate as lilies moving in the wind. It seemed like nothing was permanent. Drowning in the papers about the re-review of cauldron thickness regulations, she gave up her ego.

***

‘OK here you go,’ Hermione said, passing her Time Turner to Snape.

Snape attempted to give her his Time Turner in return.

‘No you keep it,’ Hermione said, ‘as a contingency.’

‘A contingency?’

‘Well, I am a Minister, not a project management expert, but everything in this world that is a project or not a project needs a contingency plan.’

‘Yes, Minister,’ Snape said.

***

So Snape went back in time and never called Lily a Mudblood. They adopted a Muggle child from Africa who had some complex name, and nicknamed him ‘Harry’, and that was what he became known as. 

***

Britain went into an economic downturn for a while. Snape and Lily have now been together for some years. A half-blood half-Romani dressmaker he knew, who also coincidentally had the surname ‘Prince’ was in some financial difficulty. She begged Snape to do her a favour, and renew his vows with Lily, thus also buying a dress for Lily from her.

On the night of their vow renewal, Snape could not push away the stabbing thought at the back of his mind that he wanted to know how things were going to turn out. He knew that Harry Potter does not exist in this alternate universe. He knew that James Potter was well, still a single Pringle. And whenever he ran into James Potter, they would crack jokes and laugh like old friends. In truth, Snape found James Potter to be a great guy. James Potter was an Auror, and his work would consume him with such passion that he did not care for love. His work was his love.

But what of Hermione Granger, would she exist? And Ron Weasley, the goofish Gryffindor? And even Neville Longbottom, the even more goofish Gryffindor. Snape didn’t see a reason that they should not exist. His choices affected James and Harry Potter only. Snape had forgiven James Potter now, and was glad that in this world, James Potter was happy, and Voldermort seemed to not be around for some reason. (Snape liked to think that with him not being a Death Eater, Voldermort was missing a key asset, thus he was not strong.)

But for some reason, his conscience was barking at him underneath the moon. Snape fell asleep and dreamt that Salazar Slytherin was holding Gryffindor’s sword. Salazar spoke, and said, ‘Ah, with us Slytherins we are selfish and self preserving. But when conscience does bite us, it bites us harder than anyone else.’

So Snape woke up and used Hermione’s Time Turner to go into the future.

***

To Snape’s surprise, he found the future, 2050, to be some sort of utopia. War no longer existed. Nobody was poor. But the architecture was not so great. Buildings looked monotonous and the dance music that was in fashion beated too fast.

Every town or city in England had a university, and students were always cheerful. But nobody studied literature anymore. Nobody had the subtlety inside them to appreciate baroque music. Nobody wrote poetry. And the clothes people wore were plain and bland.

People were living but there was no life inside them. Nobody was sad. Surely that was a good thing? But apart from the lack of war, there was nothing that made this world beautiful.

Snape was glad to find that Hermione did exist. And so did Ron and Neville and everyone else. Snape was particularly amused to find that Draco’s son, Scorpius, turned out instead to be a Squib, who became an investment banker, with blonde hair in the same try-hard shiny hairstyle that Draco had.

Snape was still walking around town, and he went into a graveyard. There, he found Trelawney.

‘How did you get here?’ Snape asked.

‘I have my ways. I may be a fraud but I know more than you think you do.’

‘I … You … Why…?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Trelawney said. ‘I was wrong.’

‘What?’

‘I was wrong. None of this should happen.’

Snape couldn’t argue with that. A world with no sadness, thus no art, somehow seemed wrong.

‘But you convinced me this was right,’ Snape said. ‘You sold it to me.’

‘I am not a salesman and yet I sell,’ Trelawney said. ‘And I made a mistake.’

‘But the sword of Gryffindor was there.’

‘It represented the intention. The intention was honourable but the path to hell is paved with good intentions,’ Trelawney explained.

‘But I don’t understand,’ Snape said. ‘All that I did was undo what wrong I did to Lily. Why is the whole world different?’

‘The love you had for Lily was a love that could change the world. Let’s call this the alternate universe, and the universe before that the Original Universe. In the Original Universe, Lily loved you too. You thought your love was unrequited, but love is a strange thing. Some would say that it is impossible to love someone to such a level without them loving you back in some way, even if neither of you know it. And no one else knows it.’

‘So?’ Snape asked.

‘Patience, my friend, patience,’ Trelawney said. ‘My point is, due to the love you had for Lily, which was realised in this alternate universe, the world became a better place. A utopia in fact. But there is more than one force in the world. Love is just one of those forces. There are other things, like bureaucracy, red tape, liberalism, etc. It is a tragedy of this world that good and bad live together. They exist so closely. So now we have this. A utopia and dystopia at the same time.’

‘But still,’ Snape said. ‘If I were to undo this, I would kill so many innocent people. I mean, us wizards have our duels, but Muggle wars are really bad. I can’t just let all those people die.’

‘You won’t be,’ Trelawney said. ‘You won’t be letting them die or killing them. As this is an alternate universe that is not meant to exist in the first place, you are not doing anything wrong by undoing it.’

‘But after I undo this, when I live, I will cry every time I hear news about Muggle wars.’

‘You won’t,’ Trelawney said. ‘Take this.’ Trelawney handed Snape a pearl earring.

‘An earring?’

‘It’s not an earring, though it looks like one. It’s an Oblivator. I somehow managed to get into Dumbledore’s office, and I went through all the junk he has and I found this. Talk to it and ask it to erase your memories at a given time. So when you go back to the Original Universe you will forget everything. You will continue to teach potions and give Harry Potter hell. You will die. But you are the Half-Blood Prince. A half-caste, and you half-have around half of the good qualities of half of the Hogwarts founders. But you are a Slytherin. You won’t do what is right for the sake of doing what is right. You will do what is right because it is beautiful. Like the beauty of the Parseltongue language that you can’t speak, and you were jealous of Harry Potter for being able to speak it. Yes, you will continue to torture Harry Potter. Until you look him in the eye.’

‘OK,’ Snape said.

***

So Snape set up the Oblivator. He used Hermione’s Time Turner and went back to the night of his and Lily’s vow renewals. He looked at Lily as she slept peacefully in her pink sequin nightdress. Oh, how Lily had changed her fashion sense. From the chilled out country girl style of her youth, to a glamourous woman, to now an eclectic style of anything that stunned you and made you forget the universe.

‘I’m sorry Lily,’ Snape said. ‘I’m sorry. I am not doing this because I don’t love you. I am doing this because I do. Our love is a love that no poet can describe. A love that no song will know, and no lyric will … Sorry I am not good at this. I am no poet. My point is, our love is love. And there should be love in the world. Our love went so right and erased war. But the red-tapers turned this world into a bland monotone nothingness. But our love was not nothing. I know you know what I am trying to say. I’m sorry, Lily. I’m so sorry. Always.’

So Snape used the Time Turner again and went back to the night when he and Trelawney had congregated, before he had turned back the time to the Marauders' era. Snape saw Original Universe Snape leave Trelawney’s room to go back to his own bedroom. Careful to not be Seen, Snape watched Original Universe Snape go to bed. Snape’s body now turned ghostly. Snape was going to creep into Original Universe Snape’s body, but he remembered something. He quickly ran to the lake and dropped both the Department of Mysteries Time Turner and Hermione’s Time Turner into it. He amused himself with thoughts of the giant squid eating them.

Snape went back to his room. He went into Original Universe Snape’s body. As the two Snapes merged, the Oblivator went off.

Snape woke up the next day and forgot everything about the alternate universe and what Trelawney told him. All he remembered was that they smoked weed last night. He wondered why a burnt pearl earring was on the floor. Trelawney probably dropped it on her table, and it must have somehow fallen into the pockets of his robes to then slip out onto the ground.

Snape passed Harry Potter in the corridors. He felt hatred. Life was normal.

He then overheard one student telling another student that she loved him – presumably they were at the Yule Ball together. 

Love, they didn’t know the meaning of the word.


	2. Marauders' secret friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus and Remus run into each other but as they are now grown ups, they come to some sort of silent understanding. Severus questions how much he knows.

Severus Snape attended an Order of the Phoenix meeting in the Easter holidays. Remus Lupin was there and was sitting diagonally opposite him. During a toilet break, Severus noticed the burnt pearl earring he was carrying in his pocket. Strange that it was still there.

Then the meeting was over and everyone was ready to depart. Remus remained in his seat and stared at his fingernails. Severus stared at him. Dumbledore looked at both of them curiously but he decided to leave them be so he left.

‘What is wrong, Remus?’ Severus found himself asking Remus.

‘Nothing,’ Remus said.

‘No, something is wrong, tell me,’ Severus demanded.

‘Who are you to care?’ Remus asked. Remus then frowned at himself. Usually he was quite civil to Severus. He did not have the temper that James had.

Remus then confessed that he had been having trouble falling asleep. He said that he had been seeing a Squib friend who is a CBT therapist, to help him work through his problems and understand things. He explained that the point of CBT was to see the past from a different point of view. But Dumbledore disapproved because he did not want Remus to be confused.

‘You mean I can just rewrite history by seeing things from a different point of view?’ Severus asked. It seemed like within Remus’ sentence lay the pearl of wisdom that offered some meaning of life. And he was not surprised that Dumbledore was not completely helpful or supportive. That man always had some sort of complexity about him. Dumbledore was an advocate for the light, but all advocates for the light are hypocrites. Severus was a dark man and was proud of it. He wanted to be some sort of secret dark hero, hiding rather than boasting hypocritically.

‘Maybe,’ Remus said. ‘What are you trying to say?’

‘Well…’ Severus said. And then he stopped himself. Maybe it was too soon to tell Remus everything about his internal personal life.

‘I had better get going,’ Severus said.

‘Me too,’ Remus said.

Severus was now too adult to find excuses to part from Remus immediately. He had never been the sort of person for lame excuses. If he didn’t like someone, he was quite open about it. But he didn’t hate Remus anymore. He wasn’t being lamely ‘civil’ either. He just was.

They walked towards the door together, in silence before they went their separate ways.

When Hogwarts’ term started again, it was nearly exam time. Severus went back to his usual pre-exam routines. While students were trying to calculate how much work they needed to do to pass, Severus was calculating how he could re-write the past. It was full of maybes and unanswered questions.

Did Lily really love James or did she just end up with him.

Maybe Lily only married James to settle down.

As the final task of the Triwizard Tournament was approaching, Severus wondered what his final task in life would be.

As things turned out, Remus’ Squib friend suddenly got accused of a murder she did not commit. The Ministry of Magic kindly considered the Squib to be under its jurisdiction, so the Ministry removed the memories of the accusations from Muggles, and tried the Squib in its own courts. The Squib was found guilty, even though she was innocent. But because she was a Squib, they decided to give her some sort of weird punishment of turning her into a house-elf. Her only consolation was that she got to keep her most precious piece of jewellery, which was purple earrings made from Persian agate.

This never got out in the wizarding media, but it went around by word of mouth.

One night, Lily-less and sleepless, Severus wandered into the kitchens to get some food, for he had skipped dinner that night, for he had been too busy daydreaming and reanalysing the past. Severus quietly went into the kitchens. The house-elves were very quiet at this time of night.

Dumbledore was talking to the Squib who was now a house-elf, who wore the Persian agate earrings. He had thought that he had casted an anti-eavesdropping charm. But as he was getting old and his memory was failing him, he thought he did something he had not. Dumbledore was oblivious to Severus’ presence and Severus eavesdropped on him. Dumbledore was consulting in the Squib and letting her know his darkest secrets. 

Dumbledore said that he thought there could be a chance that Harry is a Horcrux. He said that if Harry needs to die, that is a sacrifice for the greater good.

Severus was disgusted. He felt like puking even though there was nothing in his stomach. Severus wanted Harry to live. If Harry and Voldermort had to live together like light and dark living together, then so be it. That would be better than death. If only Lily and Severus could have lived together. Instead of Lily dying and Severus now feeling dead inside like a ghost.

In a fit of anger, Severus cast the Crucio curse on Dumbledore. Dumbledore retaliated by wiping out Severus’ memory.

The next morning, Severus woke up to a clear blue sky. Dumbledore had wiped out Severus’ memory but he had not wiped out Severus’ emotions. So while Severus would have been feeling good about himself for being a hero who cared about the individual, and not just the oppressive Nazi-istic greater good, Severus now felt good about himself for no reason. He thought he was just glad that the skies were blue. But then he wondered since when did he begin to appreciate nature so much? Did he appreciate his own nature? Did he?


	3. the letter

Draco Malfoy was in sixth year now. Severus had taken the Unbreakable Vow promising that he would help Draco to kill Dumbledore. It was the first week of September.

In the middle of the night, Severus received a knock on his bedroom door. He opened it to find Dobby standing there.

Dobby explained that he used to serve the Malfoys. He did not particularly like Draco, but he had found him sobbing his eyes out in his dorm. Dobby asked Severus to go to the Slytherin dorm to help Draco.

Severus obliged.

Draco was awake but the rest of them were asleep. Severus asked Draco go to the Slytherin common room with him.

The common room was empty at this time of night. Green candles were still burning unattended, since the common room was charmed to prevent anything from catching fire.

‘What is the matter, Draco?’ Severus said, hoping that he did not sound too harsh.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Draco said.

‘Everything fine? Schoolwork going well?’ Severus asked.

Draco replied that schoolwork was going fine. Severus then asked Draco a dozen of other ‘are you fine’ questions, ranging from whether his family was fine, whether things were fine at home, to whether his health was fine. Draco replied that everything was fine. Somehow they ended up talking about Quidditch, and Draco confessed that when he was a kid, he had been flying on a broomstick with an incorrect technique, and he would never forget his embarrassment when Madam Hooch corrected him.

During their conversation, Severus looked around in the common room. How picturesque it was, and what a shame it was that it belonged to students. Students who were not in a time of their life to appreciate interior decoration as their minds would be occupied with their troubles. And if they did appreciate the common room, they would accumulate so many negative memories of it that they would for a long time associate green candles and the marble mantelpiece with bad memories, like associating a flowery smell with a bad memory because that was the perfume of the girl that rejected you. Youth was torture. Severus was glad that his own youth was over, but he could understand that some people like Draco just want to run away from their problems.

Severus could not help wondering though, why Draco felt so bad about having to kill Dumbledore. Surely, by the method of elimination, it can be figured out that this was what Draco was concerned about. Why was Draco sad about someone’s death? Severus had become mature enough to not care about anyone’s death. The last time that he cried about knowing that someone had died was when he found Lily dead. As he held her, he still felt her life and her presence and her ‘aura’ felt the same. Severus had been expecting it to be tainted by James. So many women changed after they got married, wearing less nice clothes, and becoming more reserved, as if they had given up on life. Lily was the same person, as if she had not given her heart to James. And had Lily ended up with Severus instead, Severus wouldn’t have let marriage change her. It was part of his Slytherin values that they were to be strong, women also.

A pile of letters underneath a potted plant on the mantelpiece caught Severus’ eye.

‘What are these?’ Severus asked.

‘They are letters that got wrongly delivered to Slytherin students.’

‘Wrongly delivered?’ Severus asked.

‘Well, the owl system is not perfect,’ Draco explained, surprised that he had to teach this to his professor. ‘Sometimes owls make mistakes.’

Severus started to go through the letters. He found nothing of interest until he found a letter addressed to himself from Karkaroff. ‘How did this end up here?’ Severus asked.

Draco looked at the letter that Severus openly held up, as if inviting him to read it. ‘I dunno,’ he said. ‘Maybe the owl that was carrying it died on its journey, and another owl found it. That owl might have put it together with the letter he was going to deliver to a Slytherin student, and that student received this letter in error.’

‘Then why didn’t he or she give that letter to me?’ Severus asked. But as Severus read through the letter, his questions were answered.

Dear Severus,

I write this letter very carefully, dear old friend. I will try to be brief though I am tempted to say a lot. I miss you and I miss the old times. I just hope we can put our differences aside and be allies and friends once again. I am sorry.

But there are lots of things that I am not sorry for. I am not sorry that the sign stamped on our persons bound us together. It is sad that things have ended up the way they have. We were a club and I was happy to be in that club. That is what life is. Individuals taking care of themselves and backstabbing each other. But sometimes like-minded traditional people form a club, and socialise, and life is not so bad and you feel not so alone.

The circumstances being how they are, I shall not continue to be the headmaster of Durmstrang. Maybe when all this is over, I can go and follow my dream to be a poet. I am sorry that I could not express this in person. I was always better expressing things on paper. Hence during our ‘club’ meetings of the good old olden days, the ‘leader’ asked me to take the minutes of the meetings. Until it became unsafe to record things on paper lest government officials hunt us down and find out what we were up to.

I wish you a happy life, and I understand if you don’t reply or want nothing to do with me. Usually people want to hang out with their buddies to have a laugh. Me? I just want to be in someone’s presence and feel something, feel that I am not alone.

Yours,  
Igor

Now Severus understood why no one had bothered to give him the letter that must be more than a year old by now. It was the most embarrassing thing he had ever read, full of things that could or could not be innuendos, things that might be taken the wrong way or right way, depending on what the truth was. Severus did not know what the truth was, or what Igor thought or felt about him. He did not worry about those things. But he knew that Igor Karkaroff was also someone who liked to run away from his problems. Maybe one of the reasons that Dumbledore and Severus could relate to each other, albeit in a limited way, was that Severus can be seen to be not running away from his problems or pains, as he taught at Hogwarts, where the worst times of his life passed. But that was not true, Severus was just good at tuning bad thoughts out, as he had mastery of his mind sometimes.

If Severus had received the letter in the first place, maybe he would have taken up Igor’s offer of friendship. But he doubted it. He was an adult, who no longer had time or energy for friends.

Severus handed the letter back to Draco.

‘But it’s your letter professor,’ Draco said politely. ‘Why are you giving it back?’

‘Keep it, Draco,’ Severus said. ‘Keep it in a safe place and do not let anyone see it. Keep it to remind you that there is life out there. There is spirit and there is hope. Keep it to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with being “traditional” per se, and it is OK to prefer to be friends with people who are like ourselves. But we can always do better than be what we are. We can always dream and improve things. Igor Karkaroff did not achieve his dreams. But you can.’

‘I don’t have any dreams, Professor,’ Draco said.

‘You don’t?’ Severus asked.

‘I just want to be happy in life, that’s all,’ Draco said.

‘Then study well and do well. Then you will have a good life,’ Severus said, and then he paused. ‘Are you fine now?’

‘Yes, sir. Thank you, professor.’ Draco excused himself to go back to bed.

Severus wondered what other letters were in the pile. He was then shocked to find a letter from Lily Evans addressed to him. It was dated at the top right – from a time after Lily had married James. Snape tried to read it but all he saw was the first line that said ‘It has been a long time but I’. The rest of it was blurred out for some sort of reason.

Severus muttered a curse under his breathe. He looked around the room and found Dobby stood there. He had been there all this time!

‘It’s 'cause of magical invisible ink, Snape-professor,’ Dobby said. ‘The letter above this letter in the pile was written in powerful magical invisible ink. So some of its magic seeped through to your letter.’

‘And as it happens,’ Severus said sarcastically, ‘the letter above just happened to be on parchment that was slightly smaller than this letter, meaning its magical invisible ink “spill” onto my letter affected all of it – except the top and bottom. So I can see the date, the first line, and who it is from, but nothing else.’

Dobby wanted to say that he was sorry but he did not particularly like Severus that much, so no, he did not want to be polite and say he was sorry.

Severus then vowed that he was going to take the letter with him and find a way to un-charm the letter, undoing the effects of the magical invisible ink. He needed to read what it said. He did not want to read what it said. What if it said she did not love him? That cannot be. But maybe he wanted to take a risk for once. He needed peace. He needed any sort of sign as proof that Lily loved him. It did not even matter anymore that Lily loved James too. As long as Lily loved him – Severus – it was OK.

Severus walked towards the entrance of the common room with the letter in his hand. As he approached the door, the letter flew out of his hand and back into its place on the mantelpiece. Severus’ memory of the letter had been erased too. Some clever Slytherin git had charmed the pile of letters so that they would always remain in the Slytherin common room and dorms – never mind the time in the future (when the sun was going to die) when the common room and dorms would be stuffed full of those letters that there would be no space for anyone to sleep or study in them. It was the Slytherin git’s intention to retain those letters so that Slytherins would always have some things to blackmail some people on, if that became necessary. And the cunning Slytherin’s spell also meant that whoever tried to take a letter out of the common room would forget that letter had existed.

The next morning Severus woke up. Later on in the day, he looked up at the sky. He knew that the sky was blue, but somehow, today the sky looked green.


	4. hafol

It was the sixth week of Draco Malfoy’s sixth year. A secret list was circulating around the Slytherin common room for ‘Life Discussions’ lessons. ‘Life Discussions’ was the official name, the name that people knew it as was ‘Harsh Facts of Life’, or HFOL, pronounced ‘hafol’.

For the sixth and seventh years who were lucky enough to be within such circles of prestige, between the seventh week and the middle of spring term, a motivational speaker was to give clandestine lessons to those students, teaching them the harsh facts of life, and how to live with those facts and succeed. This year, the motivational speaker would be a high-ranking Ministry of Magic official.

Draco Malfoy got himself on the list. A lot of Slytherins knew there was a list going around, but only some of them were interested in going to the Harsh Facts of Life lessons, which were to take place every Friday at 11p.m. in a secret location in the ‘floor’ underneath the kitchens. It was usually the case that some Slytherins would get themselves on the list. Sometimes Ravenclaws got on the list too. And occasionally, a Hufflepuff or two got themselves on the list. Usually, it was the Hufflepuff with above average niceness who spent time associating with a Slytherin or two, due to not having prejudice against them. Which was ironic in a way, since the harsh facts of life are the opposite of niceness.

The whole affair was shrouded in such mystery that no one knew who started the whole scandalous thing. All that most of the people within the circles knew was that every year, around the sixth week, a list got circulated around and you had the opportunity to put your name on it.  
***  
The first Harsh Facts of Life/HFOL/hafol lesson occurred on a stormy night. The room underneath the kitchens was like a usual class room, except it was decorated to look like a seminar room in a Muggle university, albeit it was more extravagant and had a pink chandelier hanging from the ceiling.

Draco Malfoy sat with his back straight, attentive. Crabbe and Goyle were half-asleep. Over the years, Draco came to know Crabbe as the critical one, and Goyle as the dumb one who looked amusingly like a gargoyle at times.

Severus Snape sat in the corner of the classroom on a stool. As the motivational speaker was external to the school, it was required that a teacher would be present in the HFOL/hafol lessons just to ensure that everything was alright. Severus had his face stuck in a potions book, not paying the slightest bit of attention.

Draco glanced around. Some of the people in the room were also part of the Slug Club. There were no Hufflepuffs around, except one Ravenclaw in seventh year who was pretty much an honorary Hufflepuff as she usually hung around with them. There were definitely no Gryffindors.

The motivational speaker’s name was Victor Bash-Tar. His parents had both been adamant to pass on their family names that they did not care that ‘Bash’ and ‘Tar’ brought together in a hyphenated name would sound like a swearword.

Bash-Tar started off by saying that the topic of this week’s HFOL/hafol discussion would be friendship. He then backtracked a bit to explain the background behind the hafol lessons.

‘Well, let’s see who we got. Slytherins raise your hands,’ Bash-Tar said. A lot of Slytherins raised their hands. ‘Ravenclaws …’

They then established that there were no Gryffindors in the room. ‘Well,’ Bash-Tar said. ‘Don’t let it sadden your naïve minds that we have no Gryffindors here. Gryffindors take many risks in life, and because of this quite a few of them have become successful business men. In these hafol lessons, we will learn about careful planning and networking rather than risk taking. Gryffindors will be successful without our help.’

Draco bit his lip. Severus half listened to Bash-Tar.

‘Just an academic question,’ the Ravenclaw who was the honourary Hufflepuff said, ‘if these hafol lessons are to teach us to be brilliant, but Gryffindors may be brilliant anyway … well, to become a successful business man or woman, is that true brilliance? Earning lots of money does not mean you have gone further in your cause. Surely to be brilliant and great, you need a cause, something to believe in?’

Severus huffed and laughed inside his head. Brilliancy in believing in a cause? It was hard enough in life just to avoid the bad causes, never mind the energy it takes to devote oneself to a good cause. A successful businessperson who avoided doing anything overly bad should get a double thumbs up. And also, it was even more trouble avoiding the causes of those pretending to be good. The holy white masks. Dumbledore.

Ah yes, Dumbledore. Dumbledore knew that these hafol lessons were taking place – he signed them off each year.

Severus kept silent and tried to concentrate on his potions book.

Bash-Tar spoke, ‘Well, what I need to tell you is that when you grow up, your friendships will change. You will not always have the time or energy for your friends. This is a harsh fact of life. It may be incomprehensible you now, but that’s how it is.’

A Ravenclaw rejected his idea, saying that in the books he read, some adults had close friends.

‘Of course,’ Bash-Tar said, ‘there are exceptions, but I am just here to tell you how things generally are…’  
***  
The next week, their Friday 11p.m. hafol lesson was about how to network to get ahead in life. Goyle then dropped out and said that he would rather be asleep in bed thank you very much.

During a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, Draco forgot his homework. When class ended, Severus said he wanted a word with Draco.

‘Professor, I am sorry I forgot my homework,’ Draco said.

‘This is not about that,’ Severus said. ‘I want to speak to you about something else. These hafol lessons, what do you think of them?’ Severus saw Draco as an emotionally vulnerable person, and he did not want the content of the hafol lessons to upset him.

‘They’re OK,’ Draco said. ‘I have a question, Professor. I know Bash-Tar is a high-ranking Ministry official, but from my understanding, he deals more with the administrative and “civil-servicey” side of the Ministry rather than the political side, the interesting side. So if they want someone to teach us how to excel in life, surely we need a speaker who is involved in the political side?’

‘I agree. But I am sure those who are involved with politics have better things to do than to teach students these things.’  
***  
They then arrived at a hafol lesson that concerned ‘relationships’. Bash-Tar lectured on and on about the need to be realistic and compromise.

A few days later, Severus asked to have a word with Draco after a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson.

‘Professor,’ Draco said. ‘It’s true. Goyle’s owl really did eat my homework. You know what Goyle’s owl would be like. I mean, he would have as much brains as Goyle.’

‘Really?’ Severus asked. He then asked Draco to take Veritserum. Of course, Severus would rather save his Veritserum for more important things, but it was just too funny to resist. He needed a few laughs since Bash-Tar had infuriated him so much.

Draco, under Veritserum, said that Goyle’s owl ate his homework.

‘Don’t worry,’ Severus said. ‘And I am sorry that I accused you of lying. And talking of lying, the reason that I wanted a word with you is because I want to tell you to not believe Bash-Tar’s lies. Some of what he say is true but some of it is lies.’

‘What?’ Draco said, incredulous.

‘Look, Draco, I may be your professor, but let’s have a grown up talk about this, colleague to colleague, man to man. Bash-Tar is a ****head and an ***hole. His lessons teach the middle way. They tell the ****head how to be less of a ****head, to be decent enough to get along in society. And they teach the person who is less of an ***hole to be more of an ***hole to get ahead. This is not the usual Slytherin cunning games that are just a bit of fun. No, Bash-Tar is a real ********, so be wary of what he says. Do you know why they are called “hafol” lessons? “Ha” in Hebrew means “the”, and “fol” is the English shorthand for “folly”.’

Draco was speechless. Severus then nodded his head. Draco was relieved to be excused.

Bash-Tar had emphasised that one needs to be realistic and careful. While walking to the Great Hall for dinner that night, he saw Hermione walking along. Hermione sure looked pretty these days and Draco took a leaf out of Snape’s book and did not want to be careful anymore. He took a risk and smiled at Hermione. Hermione did not notice, or thought Draco was greeting someone else.

That night, Severus went into the Room of Requirement and found a piano in it. He began to play, and the piano expressed a symposium of emotions and thoughts that no human could express by him or herself. Suddenly, McGonagall entered into the room.

‘I didn’t know you could play piano,’ McGonagall said.

Severus remained silent.

‘I thought it was mostly a past time for Victorian ladies and Muggles,’ McGonagall said.

Severus remained silent. 

‘What were you playing?’ McGonagall asked.

Severus played his tune again. ‘That is how it makes me feel,’ he said.

‘How what makes you feel?’

He remained silent. Then he said, ‘OK, you play something, Minerva.’

McGonagall then recalled the piano lessons of her childhood and played a jolty tune, full of rhythm and precision. It was quite good, actually. How did she manage to express some sort of controlled passion?

When Minerva finished, he clapped. ‘Well, I had better go,’ he said. ‘You are right, I have better things to do than to play piano.’ Severus sounded like he was going away to work on planning Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons. What he really did was go to visit Trelawney and drown out his troubles by smoking weed with her.

That night, Severus had a nightmare in which the piano was playing itself, in the way that he had played it. There were dementors in the room. ‘Expecto patronum!’ Severus said. Severus then woke up and realised that it was a dream, but the doe patronus was in the room. Severus had left his wand on his table. How did he cast the patronus without a wand? Severus then squinted and saw that the doe was holding some sort of stick, no, a sword. But as the doe vanished, Severus thought that he must have imagined the sword, and hallucinated due to having smoked too much weed.  
***  
‘Our friend Bash-Tar is ill today unfortunately. So I am to cover for him. Today, we will have a generalised lesson in which I will talk about many things,’ Severus said.

Severus, knowing that Bash-Tar was going to cover the subject of ‘relationships cont.’, had received Bash-Tar as a visitor in the afternoon and poisoned him with poisoned biscuits. Bash-Tar got taken to the hospital wing to be temporarily ill with very high fever.

Severus explained that tonight, what is said in the room remains in the room. He got the students to read the UN declaration of human rights. A Ravenclaw asked why they were being asked to read about Muggle human rights.

‘I have my reasons,’ Severus said. ‘This human rights charter is not perfect but it does say some interesting things. Note how it says that a person has the right to privacy and have their private life respected. So don’t let other people and their ideas interfere with your private life. No, I am not teaching you to be promiscuous. No, maybe quite the opposite. It’s just, to be safe as a person, we need our private space. What we choose to do, and the friends we choose to make should be free from scrutiny.’ Severus paused.

Draco absorbed his words.

Severus quickly changed the subject and spoke in very vague terms about everything else in life: politics, studying, the weather, potions. He was so vague that nobody was sure what he was talking about. There was much vague discussion. His real intention was to refute what Bash-Tar had said. His bottom line was: yes, be cunning and manipulative to get your way, that is fine, but remain a decent person and don’t become like Bash-Tar who is a ‘bash-tar’.

A few days later, Draco saw Hermione outside the potions classroom. Hermione looked beautiful, even in the darkness of the dungeons. Draco did not have feelings for her, but he admitted he had a slight crush on her. He smiled at her. Again, she did not notice.  
***  
Severus was in the Room of Requirement again, playing the piano. Minerva came in again.

‘Why do you play such tunes?’ Minerva asked.

‘To make me forget. But it makes me remember. And forget.’

Minerva left him alone. Severus needed his space. The space that was so empty. The space that wouldn’t make you forget that it existed. This time he wanted to forget but he couldn’t.


	5. The Errand

'I used to see light and dark  
But now all I see is grey  
But I don’t really care for music, do ya?  
The past is more beautiful than the present,  
Sometimes beauty was cruel.  
Hallelujah, hallelujah.'

Severus hummed to himself inside his head as he woke up. Oh my days, he thought, poetic, moi? -surely I am not turning into Karkaroff!

Well you are not, the critical voice in Severus’ head said, copying and pasting bits and bobs in fair use from Leonard Cohen’s song is not being original and poetic.

These days the internal life of Severus was like some streams of consciousness. But the streams were not going anywhere. They were going around in circles. And everywhere he went, he felt entrapped. There were reminders everywhere.

As the Defence Against the Dark Art teacher, he felt he needed to prove his competency. It made no sense. Why did he care to prove his competency to Dumbledore when Dumbledore already owed Severus one after what Severus agreed to do? And why did he care what Dumbledore thought of him anyway? Whatever Dumbledore thought of Severus could not possibly be worse than what he thought of Dumbledore.

Yet, despite this, when Severus needed to check a few facts that he was going to teach in his Defece Against the Dark Arts classes, he was too embarrassed to go to the library to check those facts, lest someone should see him, and think he was not as knowledgeable or competent. So Severus resolved to go to Diagon Alley’s bookshops to find the information he needed to check.

Unfortunately, Slughorn was in a cheerful mood and made smalltalk with Severus and discovered his plans to go to Diagon Alley in the weekend. Slughorn asked Severus to do him a favour and pick up some potion supplies for him while he was at Diagon Alley. Severus obliged politely.

Slug! – Severus thought.  
***  
It was the past. It does not matter which year, for the past is a fuzzy cloud. Lily had got married to James some weeks ago. She was doing some shopping in Diagon Alley while James was visiting a friend.

Outside Flourish and Blotts, she saw her own old friend, Severus.

She wanted to go over and say hello to him and put the past behind them. She regretted so much. She wanted him to know that she had forgiven him. She wanted him to know that she was sorry for not having been more forgiving.

She wanted him to know that she was sorry for being unfair. At Hogwarts, she had Gryffindor friends who weren’t friends with Severus – Mary, for example. So surely it was understandable that Severus would have wanted some Slytherin friends who might not be friends with her? Maybe that’s all Severus wanted, to fit in. Why expect him to have ideals? All he wanted was to fit in, so he would have tagged along with those who were nice to him, however horrible those people actually were. It was a confusing world. Having matured, Lily understood that now.

Those thoughts were going around her head so fast. Severus was still lingering outside Flourish and Blotts looking at the window display of books, pretending to himself that he was interested. What was Severus doing?

Severus had not noticed that Lily was there, so close yet so far behind him. Lily took a step towards him, but then hesitated and then walked away slowly. It was in that moment that a loose careless black earring dropped from her right ear.

It was not because Lily didn’t want to see him. She was afraid that if she were to speak to him, it may lead to all sorts of things.

The truth was, she did not love James. Well, she did. But it was more complicated than that. It was not black and white. James were the perfect sort of boyfriend and husband that was described in romance novels, but with him there was no passion.

Lily then scolded herself for having such thoughts. What was passion? Was passion lust? And weren’t those immoral women’s magazines always encouraging women to leave their partner if there was no lust in the relationship? Lily had always thought herself to be an innocent sort of person.

But what is innocence? Isn’t innocence the same as getting away with sinning because you don’t know what is a sin and what isn’t? But that’s ignorance. Surely innocence is something more beautiful? But beauty can be cruel, especially when it contains itself, not being itself, not realising its innocence in an impossible world full of impossibilities.

What was she going on about? She wasn’t becoming some sort of poet was she? She had heard that despite Durmstrang’s bad reputation for encouraging the Dark Arts, the school also encouraged the study of literature and produced many poets.

Wasn’t Severus innocent? Wasn’t the reason for him pursuing the Dark Arts that he was innocent of the Dark Arts’ nature?

Lily looked up at the sky and saw a white dove. And then it rained and thundered, like some sort of poem full of symbols.

Lily made her way back home. She looked in the mirror and noticed that the black earring in her right ear had fallen out. For all she knew, it could be on the streets of Diagon Alley somewhere.

A week later, Lily would write Severus a letter.  
***  
Knowing that there would be more of a risk of potion ingredients going out of stock than books going out of stock, Severus did Slughorn’s errand first, and then he went to Flourish and Blotts. As it happened, there were a few books that helped him, and there were some books he hoped to find but they were not there. So the big bad universe was fair this time. It was moderate in the misfortune it doled out to Severus – it helped him some, but did not give him completely what he wanted.

Severus suddenly felt a stab of pain in his arm. The Dark Lord – what did he want now? Can’t the Dark Lord leave his Death Eaters to enjoy a weekend in peace? Even if it was a weekend composed of running errands for the Slug?

Severus automatically put his right hand above his left arm, by the place where the Dark Mark was. And then it dawned on Severus. It was not his left arm that was hurting with a stabbing pain, it was his right.

Severus blinked in pain and walked out of Flourish and Blotts. He noticed a black earring on the floor. For some inexplicable reason, he picked it up with his right hand. He pocketed it in his robes, on the right side.

By the time he cheerfully gave the Slug his potions ingredients, Severus had forgotten about the earring.

The next day, Severus wore the same robes as he did yesterday. The pockets of his robes had been slowly wearing out over the past weeks but Severus did not have the time to worry about that. The black earring passed downwards through the hole in the right pocket of Severus’ robes while Severus was outside on the Hogwarts grounds. The earring then became part of the soil. Over time, soil eroded in this direction and that, going around in circles until bits of it reached the lake.

The earring went into the lake. Yet it would remain un-eroded and un-degraded until the very end, or at least, until the very end of Severus’ life.

Back to the present – Severus was walking back to the castle – but what is the present? The shards of time followed their irregular paths backwards and forwards (and in circles and all sorts of other shapes and Snapes); if Severus was fated to remember and forget things until the very end, well there was no such thing as a ‘very end’ if time was to behave the way it did. 

He would always love her.


	6. ... in which Severus' mind is messed up like Potter's hair

‘And so,’ Severus said, sitting opposite the counsellor, ‘I am forty-two shades of messed up. I do things not because I particularly want to, but because I feel a need to repent and I can’t stand being in the red, or in the black, or whatever they call it. Never mind being a good person, I just want to avoid being a bad person.’

‘I see,’ the counsellor said.

‘I don’t even know if I have feelings anymore. But I do have feelings. But I am sure you will say it is not good to dwell on them. I am sure you will say I should live like “that was then, this is now”. But now what? Now what?’

‘Go on,’ the counsellor encouraged.

‘And there are two types of people. The old fashioned romantics who believe that love lasts forever. And the new fashioned psychologists who believe in being so called realistic, who believe that you should be independent and not put your faith in others, and have a mediocre view of humankind to be happy. I suppose you are the latter sort of person.’

‘Well, I am a shrink by occupation. But you are having prejudiced views about me.’

‘OK I will give you a chance,’ Severus said. ‘Or else why am I here?’ Severus paused.

Severus looked around him and he was very confused. The room looked like his own office, but it had a Muggle shrink in it. How did the Muggle shrink get into Hogwarts? Surely it was his own office, but he saw McGonagal’s jar of biscuits on the table.

‘Have a biscuit,’ Severus offered the shrink. He didn’t know why he was extending this act of kindness to her. Surely if he was seeing her as a shrink, he would already be paying her, so why offer her a biscuit in addition?

Severus hoped that the biscuits weren’t poisoned. But why would McGonagal poison biscuits? But as the biscuit touched the shrink’s lips, she blew up and inflated. Severus felt himself shrinking. It was like some sort of bad nightmare.

Severus woke up in a sweat. Above his headboard was his patronus of a doe, but he did not see it. Severus forgot about the dream, until he taught one of his classes that day, and some Muggle-born brat with glasses who looked like the shrink reminded him of her. In a spontaneous moment he spoke to the class and said, ‘I cannot teach you everything and I do not have all the answers. But I can teach you how to ask questions, and go searching for the truth, while your minds are still young and your hearts are still pure.’

It was very out of character for him to say that; this only made the students notice his words more and take them more seriously.


	7. Durmstrang Management School

Severus Snape was in Trelawney’s classroom smoking pot with her. Back to square one. Trelawney suddenly had a strong vision.

Durmstrang institute decided to expand its horizons by opening up a new faculty: Durmstrang Management School. It was all very mysterious and Albus Severus Potter got an internship there.

Harry Potter was very proud of Albus for having won the internship. He remembered that back in his own school days, he had messed around, and only when the vision of becoming an Auror inspired him did he start swotting hard. Albus was like that too it seemed.

Albus did not want to tell his father what had won him the summer internship. The truth was, in his application, he wrote that his talent was to dare to be different. His family were all Gryffindor, but naturally he was in Slytherin, and he was proud of that. The person looking at the applications had been impressed by this.

James could not help but make fun of Albus for how he had to spend the summer holidays working and slaving away as a dogsbody staff member at Durmstrang. ‘Don’t listen to him, Albus,’ Harry said reassuringly. ‘Life is short, take all the opportunities you can. You never know when the day will come when you will think that you might not live for long anymore.’ Harry then regretted what he said. Did he just suggest to Albus that one day a combination of some Dark wizard’s plans and Light wizard’s plans might threaten to cut his life short? Voldermort and Dumbledore … But Albus hadn’t been fully listening to this thankfully …

Durmstrang wanted to implement a Houses system, very much like Hogwarts. Albus had been tasked with recording on parchment which of the Management School’s new students got sorted into which houses. The Management School students were a variety of ages. Some had just finished their usual magical education and Durmstrang and wanted to learn management to improve their future job prospects. Some were middle aged or even elderly.

Durmstrang’s headmistress placed the Evergreen Sorting Perfume on a chair. The student was to spray themselves with the perfume, which would spray the student with the scent representing the student’s house. First the Evergreen Sorting Perfume sang a melodic song in the minor key. Albus did not understand the words too well for they were in a foreign language, however afterwards his supervisor captured the memory of the song into a Pensieve and then translated it for Albus:

‘All ye who come here to study from all over the world, listen there are  
Four Houses, cos we are copycats  
Copying the number of houses at Hogwarts.  
Three great wizards and one wizard-ess.  
Karkaroff, we cannot forget,  
The clever one, the bossy one.  
In his house belongs those who encourages others.  
Krum, the only one of the four who is alive.  
The sporty one, the bold one.  
The youthful at heart.  
Snape, the English guy.  
You belong to Snape house if you seek meaning and have understanding,  
And if you are brave.  
And Hufflepuff house –  
Hufflepuff was a great educator, and we copied this house name from Hogwarts.  
I’m a terrible song writer, and this is the house of those who are terribly nice.’

First, a young woman called Georgina Wooley went to the chair. She sprayed the Evergreen Sorting Perfume on herself. It became apparent that the smell was the smell of flowers.

‘Hufflepuff!’ the Evergreen Sorting Perfume yelled.

Then a middle aged woman named Rinat Abdullah went to the chair. She sprayed the perfume on herself. The smell that arose was the smell of broomsticks. ‘Krum!’ the Evergreen Sorting Perfume exclaimed.

After that, a Dutch man in his twenties went to the chair. The scent he got given was a subtle scent of fabric. ‘Karkaroff,’ the Evergreen Sorting Perfume whispered loudly.

The next person also got sorted into Karkaroff. ‘Lilly Umbridge.’ Lilly nervously took her place on the chair. There was then a smell of meadows and books. ‘Snape!’ the Evergreen Sorting Perfume hissed. Several people after her also got sorted into Snape. The routine continued, until finally the new management students were spread quite evenly amongst the four houses.

The next day, Albus’ supervisor explained it to him. He explained that Hufflepuff was chosen to be a Durmstrang house, because Hufflepuff was the nice one, and at Durmstrang they needed niceness. Karkaroff got chosen for obvious reasons. Krum was chosen because he was a Quidditch legend. As for Snape, they had much respect for the Englishman. He brought an air of mystery.

The days of Albus’ internship passed quickly. The students were taught the dark arts of management: project management, finance management, stakeholder management, etc. Towards the end of the internship, when Albus no longer put so much pressure on himself to learn everything about management while he was there an intern assistant teacher, he spent one midnight at the Durmstrang library. 

Durmstrang library was open twenty four hours a day. Abus went to the management section, but instead of looking around hungrily, he looked around leisurely. It became apparent to him that there were some poetry books in the management section. But they were labelled ‘unpublished poetry by those who used to be at Durmstrang’.

What had poetry got to do with management? Albus flicked around, trying to decipher the foreign language. Then he came across a poem written in English. He read it:

‘To Severus,

When I am dead, I won’t mind people going through my stuff.  
When I am gone, I won’t moan that life is tough.  
So they will see this poem,  
And I shall show them.  
My friend, save yourself and flee.  
It’s OK, come with me.  
I sense under your cloak a shadow of sadness.  
You are infected with something, like a madness.  
But you are not mad,  
You are just sad.  
I’m sorry I was bad.  
I apologise a lot, not just a tad.  
What can I do to save you?  
You are under a spell, yes you.  
Who was your love?  
I know sort of. Even heavens above  
Won’t save you. You are complex like a fabric.  
No, I’m not taking the mick.

Igor Karkaroff’

The next day Albus daydreamed. He thought Snape=Slytherin. Hufflepuff=Hufflepuff. Krum=Gryrffindor. Karkaroff=Ravenclaw. But it was not as simple as that. The world was complex.

McGonagall had asked Albus to write a blog article for the Hogwarts blog about his internship. The wizarding world had changed a lot over the past few years and Muggle technology came into use. Of course, the wizarding internet was enchanted so that Muggles couldn’t go on it.

After seeking permission from Drumstrang, Albus posted Karkaroff’s poem on the blog. Albus liked to be concise and did not waffle too much. But he did say in his blog was ‘When I was at Durmstrang, people were impressed that I was partly named after Severus Snape … Sometimes other people know us better than ourselves … Its take very little to manage others but it takes a lot to understand ourselves. But at my time at Durmstrang, I learnt that self-speculation is not important. There is a whole world out there, full of beautiful things and interesting people, so look beyond yourself. Let those who have died teach us how to live. To know how to live is the most important lesson of all.’

‘Very shrewd and wise, Slytherin Squib,’ one of James’ Gryffindor friends taunted. Things at Hogwarts were never going to change … Albus thought and smiled.

Trelawney woke up from her trance. She looked into Severus Snape’s dark eyes. Her eyes widened and enlarged. Her mouth opened. She then stared into Severus Snape’s eyes for a while.

‘Are you OK, Sybill?’ Severus asked.

Trelawney did not speak.

‘Are you sure you are OK?’

Trelawney then said, ‘What I saw …’

‘But what you saw will happen? Of course, you are a seer.’

‘It is most likely it will. Sometimes a hero can change the course of events, but that is very rare. Most of the time people act like automatons, and the future is already determined,’ she explained.

‘OK, is it bad?’ Snape asked. He saw that Trelawney was shaking.

Trelawney was not shaking because she thought what she saw was bad. Quite the opposite. People can be hurt by Dark, but the Light can hurt too. When the Light is too strong, it shocks one, and startles one. Trelawney had been moved by her vision. A seer who usually only saw things while on weed, she knew that usually she was nothing but a fraud. The Light of her visions inspired her to uphold the truth, and she no longer wanted to be living a lie. Because of this, she was scared.

‘Would it be better if I wiped your memory of it?’ Snape offered kindly.

‘Yes,’ Trelawney answered.

‘Oblivate!’


	8. Evada Ehdevra

After Harry and Dumbledore returned from their trip to the cave to find the Horcrux, it all happened so fast. Before they knew it, Snape was gone. Dumbledore was dead. But what if parallel universes existed?

To kill can split the soul up to create horcruxes. Avada Kedevra.

But what if there was a spell that could split the world up into two parallel universes?

Around one week before Harry and Dumbledore’s trip to the cave:

Ever since Snape mastered potions, he felt like his life had no sense of direction. He got as far as his abilities took him. As for DADA, no one could master that. No one truly knew what the Dark Arts were, or why people partook in them. The definition of Dark Arts in one country could be different to the definition of Dark Arts in another country. It was all very obscure. Snape did not share these thoughts with his students for he knew they were too young. Too young to understand. Plus Harry and his thickhead redhead friend ….

Although Trelawney was a mate to hang out with, Snape felt what he really needed was the company of superior, who could help him make sense of things. He used to admire Dumbledore but now he disagreed with him on such important topics that they did not see eye to eye anymore. Though to win the battle at hand, they had to see eye to eye. Snape knew that they were both good people, in their own ways, but what is good?

That weekend, Snape took a trip to platform ‘1.5RAEL’ to go to a wizarding conference in the Lebanon. Luckily, the language to be spoken at the conference was English. He passed the platform barrier between platforms 1 and 2.

The train was grey and was decorated with a fluffy grey carpet. It was one week before Harry and Dumbledore’s trip to the cave to find the Horcrux. At the wizarding conference, Snape learnt some things about magic he did not know before. It was a shame that because he was a double agent his life was at risk, he may never live long enough to try out his new magical knowledge.

As the night wore on, the talks given at the conference got more and more contentious. And that was when Snape learnt that the non verbal and wandless spell of ‘Evada Ehdevra’ could be used to split the universe up into two different universes. It can help one to evade death, by giving a person two chances at life. Or, the speaker said, maybe we already have thousands of chances of life already. Maybe there are thousands of different universes, and our lives are different in each of them.

Maybe in 600 universes, I am with Lily, and in 300 universes, she got with James. But if in 899 universes she ended up being killed by Voldermort, and in the one universe that she is alive she is with James, which universe would I prefer to be the true universe? Snape thought about it.

But these thoughts were all too academic. Snape prided himself on putting his knowledge to good use. Even if his knowledge added nothing to the world. Even if all that he was doing was undoing a mistake of the past.

The speaker taught the conference attendees that one can only cast that spell when one is in a state of emotion beyond love. Love has created the most powerful kind of magic in history, but in the universe there is something even stronger than love, and most people don’t know about that emotion, and dare not speak of it. And that, he said, was all he was going to tell them about how to cast the spell.

Snape boarded the train back home, desolate and in despair. Evada Ehdevra, he thought. It was so tempting. It was not really the thought of evading death that tempted him. If the Dark Lord would one day want him dead, he doubted there being another Snape in another parallel universe would prevent the Dark Lord from killing him. He would just have to die twice and it would be twice as bad.

But I’ll get to see Lily again, he thought. But in the afterlife, will she be with James? If heaven included Lily and James together, he would rather go to hell.

Snape went to bed that night. What did he have to lose? He intended to cast the Evada Ehdevra spell. He wasn’t sure what for, but some emotion inside him was pushing him. Now all he had to do was find out how.

Snape was in his bed dreaming lucidly and he and Lily were dancing in the meadows. Involuntarily, in the vision he saw James Potter watching from the distance, but James was not hexing him. Rather, James had a look of acknowledging the scene, as if accepting it to be the truth. And then the dream changed and Snape was in a room with many mirrors. Wisps of silver smoke rose and fell. Let me go to hell, Snape thought. Let me go to hell. Let me go. But did he want to be let go? Did he want to be free?

In Snape’s lucid dream, Lily did not know what Snape was doing to protect her son. She had gone on, she knew nothing of the follies of this world. And they chitchatted about rubbish, but Snape did not dare to look into her eyes. But then he did dare to look into her eyes. He looked beyond them and into her soul. And then he saw Harry Potter. Some distant boy who he knew nothing about. So far yet so close. Wandless, eyes still closed, and not knowing what he was doing, he thought ‘Evada Ehdevra’ and directed this thought at the image of Harry. 

An invisible beam went from Snape’s brain and travelled in a curved line into the Gryffindor dormitory. It was one week before Harry and Dumbledore’s trip to the Horcrux. One week to change it all.

As the beam hit Harry’s left ear some centimetres from his scar, the universe split into two. All because of some emotion Snape felt for Lily that was beyond love.

The original canon universe carried on as normal. The Shadow Universe started to differ from the canon universe.

Firstly, in the Shadow Universe, when Harry got up, he tripped over and fell on the floor, whereas in the original universe he didn’t. It started off like that, lots of little insignificant actions done by different people. That then all add up into a cumulative butterfly effect.

In the Shadow Universe, Harry and Dumbledore still ended up taking the trip to the cave to find the Horcrux. After they returned, Dumbledore still begged Harry to find Severus.

Harry went to Snape’s office. He entered the room and a flashback of memories went into his mind. Dumbledore was beside him.

But rather than doing what Dumbledore was implying that Snape was to do (kill him) while Death Eaters were walking around the school that night, Snape confounded Dumbledore, and used a spell to make Dumbledore temporarily unconscious.

‘What are you doing!’ Harry said hatefully to Snape.

Snape was quick and magically locked the door. He told Harry to calm down and take a seat and have a biscuit. Harry sat down but he did not take a biscuit.

‘It is time,’ Snape said, ‘for me to tell you everything’.

So Snape started to explain. He talked about his school years. Harry was startled and did not say anything.

‘I have spent much time delving into your thoughts, I think it is only fair if I let you see mine,’ Snape said. Snape then took a keyring freebie he got from the conference in Lebanon. He englarged the keyring until it looked like a full-size pensieve that was ornately decorated with Middle Eastern designs. He dumped some of his memories into it and asked Harry to dive in.

Harry wondered if it was some sort of trick. However the door was still locked and Harry went into the pensieve.

So Harry saw everything and he saw how Dumbledore said to Snape that Harry was to die so that Voldermort could die.

After it all, Snape glared at Harry and said, ‘Oh so now you know.’ He pretended to look angry but it made no sense, since he had voluntarily shared his memories, including those of Lily.

‘I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve,’ Snape said harshly. ‘But I’ll tell you this, I knew your mother, and I think she would have wanted you to live. She was a great person and saw the best in everyone. Probably why she ended up with your father, that toerag. But still, she would have … she would have cared more about you being able to live, than you being able to kill the Dark Lord by killing yourself.’

‘Yes,’ Harry found himself agreeing. ‘Dumbledore said that my mother’s love for me was what saved my life.’

‘Are you still Dumbledore’s man through and through?’ Snape asked.

‘No,’ Harry said sadly.

‘Then obey me. I will keep you safe. I know we’ve had our ups and downs, well, mostly downs, but I am your patron. Now, Dumbledore wants me to kill him. I will deny him his wish. Instead, I will soon unconfound him and wake him up. And there are Death Eaters around tonight, trying to find you to take you to the Dark Lord. We will flee. You know that Draco has been asked by the Dark Lord to kill Dumbledore, and because he won’t have the nerve to do it, he will also need to flee if he wants to escape the Dark Lord. Both of you are to come with me. You must get along, or at least be civil.’

Harry nodded.

‘Now, Potter, you will come with me to the Slytherin common room to find Draco. Be under your Cloak.’

‘Measle Wheeze,’ Snape muttered the Slytherin password.

Draco was not in the Slytherin common room or dormitory. Snape panicked. He and Harry walked quickly through some of the Hogwarts corridors to Dumbledore’s office, thinking that Draco would be on the way there to kill Dumbledore. Then found Draco walking slowly and staring at the bodies of armour. Snape grabbed Draco and the three of the them walked back to Snape’s office. 

‘Harry, give your Cloak to Draco,’ Snape said. Harry obeyed and Draco was shocked to see Harry there.

‘Put it on,’ Snape said to Draco forcefully. Draco contorted into a look of disgust and put the Cloak on.

After Snape was satisfied that Draco was fully invisible, he unconfounded Dumbledore and woke him up, and all Dumbledore saw was Snape and Harry.

‘Please, Severus,’ Dumbledore said. Snape was annoyed. The way that Dumbledore said ‘Severus’ could almost be taken to be affectionate if it was not for the tone of neutrality behind his voice.

‘No,’ Snape refused. ‘I’ll have mercy on you.’ Snape then made his way out of the door, gesturing to Harry and Draco to follow him.

Somehow they manage to make their way out of Hogwarts without crossing the path of any Death Eaters. Snape took them to Grimmauld place.

A few days later, things had calmed down. Dumbledore was still alive, and the Death Eaters who broke into Hogwarts were either caught or had escaped. Harry and Draco had come to some sort of truce. Harry even felt that were the circumstances different, maybe he and Draco could even be friends.

Snape explained to Harry that they were going to make their way back to Hogwarts. But back at Hogwarts, Harry was to take up Occulmency lessons again with him. This was because Harry would need to know how to lie to Dumbledore to save his own neck. He needed to know how to protect his mind from Voldermort if he was to live as a living Horcrux. ‘Well, if even a werewolf can live with his condition, I don’t see why you can’t live with yours, the condition of being a Horcrux.’ Snape explained that the Occulmeny lessons would take place during Harry’s detention slots with Snape.

‘I had been meaning to use the detentions we have as maybe a chance for me to start to tell you things. But then I thought of all the things your father did to me, and I could not bear it. I am sorry if I have been cowardly …’ Snape said. Snape then explained that Harry was to now use every excuse to avoid Dumbledore. ‘Say anything to avoid seeing him: you have Quidditch practice, exam revision, you are washing and combing your hair … anything!’

Harry wondered how Snape could say that. Snape rarely washed his own hair. But he kept those thoughts to himself.

So those final weeks wore on. It was then the summer holidays. Snape insisted to Harry that he does not spend time at the Dursleys and instead stay in his house. As the summer days passed, Harry almost felt like he was falling into some routine of routine contentment. True, everyone’s life was still at mortal peril. But with his patron, Hermione and Ron at his side, he was not afraid. Hermione and Ron had been such good friends, supporting him and being able to absorb and understand the new things that came to light.

Sometimes Bellatrix and Narcissa would visit Snape to have their catch ups. When that happened, Harry would be under his Invisibility Cloak. Harry tolerated Bellatrix, he still despised her, but these days he only felt annoyance at the sound of her voice. As for Narcissa, she confused him and twisted his brain. Narcissa sometimes brought Kreacher along and Harry saw how she treated Kreacher well and sweet talked him. But she was utterly devoted to Lucius who was clearly on Voldermort’s side. But Narcissa looked so well and had such nice hair that you wondered how such nastiness could come from someone who had some rare kind of beauty.

The seventh year began. In one of Harry’s ‘detentions’ with Snape, he confided in him. ‘When I finish school, I could take a gap year and hunt down the Horcruxes. I can destroy them all, except Voldermort and me. Someone else will kill Voldermort one day; they hate him so much someone is bound to kill him; as you said, despite what the prophecy says it does not have to be me. But maybe it will be me. Thank you for everything, Professor Snape. But I think I am ready now. I am ready to do what I am meant to do. Just in a better way to what Dumbledore planned.’

‘Are you sure, Harry?’ Snape asked. ‘Going after the Dark Lord’s Horcruxes is going to put you in danger. After all I have done for you, despite everything, despite that toerag of your father, you go and throw it back in my face!’

‘No,’ Harry said. ‘It’s not that. You don’t understand …’

‘No, Harry,’ Snape said. ‘I do understand. You are a true Gryffindor, just like your mother.’ Snape’s dark eyes met the green ones. ‘Very well. But let me say this, Dark wizards come and go. But magic, and –' Snape’s face contorted – how was he to explain it without wearing his heart on his sleeve? ‘- the emotion that is beyond emotion, lives forever. Which is why I tell you to learn to control your thoughts. Thoughts are power. If you want to see real magic, see what really matters beyond the trends and ups and downs of history, come with me to the next worldwide magical conference in Lebanon that I go to.’  
***  
Harry, Snape and Draco went to platform 1.5RAEL to go to the conference. At the conference, Snape was surprised to see Trelawney there. After the last talk at the conference, Snape stayed behind because he wanted to ask the speaker a question about a potions ingredient he had spoken of. As it happened, Trelawney appeared to also have a question to ask the speaker, also staying behind.

But Trelawney didn’t (have a question to ask). She was there because she had Seen the Past. She had seen that the universe had split into two, all because of Snape’s love for Lily.

In Trelawney’s point of view this was not natural. The universe was meant to remain whole. Trelawney had carefully done research, and found out a way to reverse this. Trelawney did not have a strong conscience usually, but this time she did. Never mind if her conscience was saying different things to other people’s conscience’s. Conscience was still conscience.

As Snape listened intently to the speaker’s answer to his question, Trelawney walked a bit closer to Snape, Harry and Draco. She quietly took out her wand and pointed it at Snape’s greasy hair. She muttered the spell to reverse the Evada Ehdevra spell: ‘Readvada Readehvra!’

The Shadow universe was murdered as Trelawney’s golden beam hit Snape’s head.

Was what Trelawney did brave or cowardly? There was no one around to answer that question. For the Shadow universe and the people in it were no more. No more Shadow Trelawney, no more Shadow Snape. All memory of it had gone.

But Trelawney’s Readvada Readehvra spell was still alive and travelling. It went towards the original universe and confounded and oblivated Snape so that he forgot everything about the universe-splitting spell. But as Snape washed his hair in the shower the next morning (it was a rare day that he felt like washing it) he remembered what he felt for Lily that was beyond love. Snape frowned at himself, startled. It was rare these days for Snape to think of Lily so much. His love for her was dormant. She was always there, a part of him. He need not always think of her. The thought of Lily delighted him for a moment, and then it passed by, into a soulful world beyond emotion, beyond logic.


	9. realism

People say that after the Death Eaters took over Hogwarts, the school turned up side down. This was not true. As long as you were not muggle born, or part of the resistance, life at Hogwarts continued on very normally. It was easy to see why people were apathetic. It was easy to see why people appeared to only care about themselves. Realism may not be a nice word, but it was very real.

The hafol (HArsh Facts Of Life) lessons continued in Draco’s seventh year. Life was getting harsher still. One good thing though, Victor Bash-Tar was no longer the motivational speaker at the hafol lessons. Instead, they got a lady from Beauxbatons, a half-blood, the daughter of a wizard from an ancient French pure-blood family and a muggle born witch. Her name was Elodie Laurent, but rather than be called Madame Laurent, she asked them to call her by her first name.

‘Now, everyone,’ Elodie said in her accentless English, ‘can any of you tell me what the advantages are of the Dark Lord’s philosophy that one should strive to live forever?’

Snape was still sat in the corner, overseeing the hafol class. A Ravenclaw raised her hand.

‘Yes, Rachel?’

‘It is good to embrace life,’ Rachel the Ravenclaw said. ‘The longer one lives, the more things one can do. You have more time to become a better wizard or witch. You may make mistakes, but you have more time to correct your mistakes.’

‘Precisely,’ Elodie said. ‘Now, let’s have a bit of discussion. If Salazar Slytherin lived a bit longer, and returned to Hogwarts, what would he have done? Discuss amongst yourselves in groups of twos or threes.’

Draco was only half attempting to stay awake. He had had enough of the pro-Dark Lord propaganda. Whatever side of the war you were on, it was still a war. And war meant things not being stable. He so wanted to go back to the times when all he had to worry about was how well he rode on his broomstick, or how to hex Potter the next time he ran into him.

‘What do you think?’ Rachel asked Draco and Crabbe.

Draco thought quickly and said vaguely, ‘If Salazar Slytherin came back to Hogwarts, I think he would have done his best to make things go back to normal.’

‘And what is that?’ Crabbe asked. ‘What is normal?’ Crabbe, having come of age, had suddenly attained critical thinking skills.

‘Normal just means getting on with life, I suppose,’ Draco said. ‘People not fighting each other or shedding magical blood. We wizards should be united. We should not be fighting with each other.’

Crabbe raised his eyebrows in surprise.

‘It is what the Dark Lord wants,’ Draco said, trying to hide his lack of enthusiasm. ‘The Dark Lord wants to unite those with magical blood. So we can all be great.’

Snape did not need to use legilimency on Draco to know that behind the mask, Draco was full of disillusionment. Snape did not know who he felt more sorry for. Whether he felt more sorry for those who had been disillusioned by a good cause or those who had been disillusioned by a bad cause. At the end of the day, disillusionment was just disillusionment.  
***  
Snape and Narcissa met in Snape’s house. As ever, Narcissa’s hair was interesting and perfect. And she had a rare nice-smelling perfume on. Snape was captivated by her.

What, reader? Why be so surprised? Snape was no saint. Yes, he still loved Lily, but he was human. Was it so wrong that his affections (in the rare instances that he did have affection) were there for other women too?

Snape and Narcissa looked at each other and sat in silence. Between them were everlasting moments stuck in the midst of time. Both felt something. Whether it was love, true love, or just flashes of calming passion, what was the difference? Neither of them could do anything about it. Mainly because Snape’s soul was still bound to Lily’s soul in the world of souls. And plus, Narcissa was married.

‘More coffee?’ Snape offered Narcissa kindly.

‘Yes, please,’ Narcissa said.

Coffee, the brave drink of grown-ups that caffeinates people’s minds and masks the indelicacies of the boundaries of this world. This real world in the realm of realism.

Snape and Narcissa chatted. He talked about Elodie the hafol teacher, and her quirky yet fashionable dress sense. He admitted to Narcissa that Elodie was rather good-looking. Narcissa asked Snape if he knew any good potions she could use to prevent her wrinkles from getting worse.

Yes, unless you were muggle born, or your soul had some hidden secrets, life went on as normal.  
***  
At the next hafol lesson, the students handed in their homework: an essay on the pros and cons of trying to live forever.

‘Let us not forget,’ Elodie said, ‘those who have lived. Never mind those who die for their cause. It is more important to live. That is what the Dark Lord wants. He wants magic and love to live.’ Of course, Elodie was totally taken in by the Dark Lord’s propaganda. And she was creating propaganda of her own. Every passing moment in this life is like a dream. To her, propaganda was the only thing that was real. ‘Now, this lesson we will discuss the words of the famous French witch philosopher: “I seek understanding, not courage, we seek our preservation, not sacrifice”.’ Snape didn’t know whether he should be convinced or antagonistic, or both, he didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry or just stare.


	10. delicate; Delacour

It was the summer holidays before Draco’s seventh year. Severus Snape went to France to see his friend, Gia Delacour. She could have been related to Fleur Delacour, there was no way of knowing. They had first started off as pen friends, discussing potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts. And then they became real life friends who occasionally met.

Snape had the ability to have female friends without things going any further. It was easy to guess why this was.

Now, this is where things get more shocking. Snape took the train from platform 3.1. The train then travelled underground through a tunnel and soon he was in Paris. He arrived a day before he planned to meet Gia Delacour, and during that time, he ascended and descended the Eiffel Tower as if it were some sort of metaphor.

He ate croissants and he was happy. One could almost say he was moving on, as people are bound to do so. But this impression was just perception and deception.

Snape wondered what Minerva was doing. Was she practising on the piano, pretending to have emotions she didn’t have? Snape understood that Minerva had some sort of strictness about her. Even Gryffindors who would have been loyal to her did not like that sort of strictness – he had overheard Gryffindor students talking about Minerva’s lack of leniency sometimes. This was where Snape was different. Snape was only harsh to people he had something PERSONAL against, such as Potter, son of James Potter. And he was demanding on his students, but that was because he wanted them to do well, and was ambitious for them.

The next day, Snape spent time with Gia Delacour, and when they talked it was as if they were best friends. Well, maybe they were, but as an adult, the concept of ‘best friends’ was no longer appropriate.

Now, this really is going to get shocking. While drunk on coffee, Gia Delacour raped Snape. But what is rape? 

Snape wouldn’t have minded. But he did mind. But he didn’t. He was in conflict with himself during the time when that ‘act’ happened. Why did he mind?

Afterwards, Gia apologised.

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ Snape said coolly. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Gia said again.

‘No, it’s fine,’ Snape said.

But it was not fine. Snape wouldn’t have minded what Gia did. In any other circumstance, he would have welcomed it. But the truth was the truth. Even if the truth was spiritual; he was in love with Lily, but what in the material world proved this? But now the proof was in what he felt, and knew.

He didn’t blame Gia. He wasn’t an awkward or unwelcoming person. He wasn’t picky about women and their looks. But he loved Lily. He couldn’t help that. Did loving Lily mean that he couldn’t love others? Those were moral questions, for philosophers. All that mattered to him now was that he needed to go home.

But where was home? He had no home. Home had ceased to exist for him since Lily died. He guessed he couldn’t go home either until he died too.


	11. The Dark Lord

Severus Snape was now headmaster. Ha! To think that he, who had been refused the DADA job was now headmaster! In a way, he was glad how things had turned out. He was almost tempted to be a Death Eater again. Of course, he couldn’t be because he was now on the side of ‘good’. But wasn’t being good about being nice to people? He had been drawn to the Death Eaters because those were the people who had been nice to him, who had accepted him, where James Potter hadn’t.

Snape was sufficiently skilled at Legilimency, but he could not do Legilimency from a distance.

One evening, his mind was confused and he consulted Dumbledore’s pensieve. Snape looked at the pensieve and felt a feeling of disgust. The pensieve looked a bit unhygienic, what with Dumbledore’s thoughts being in it. Snape wasn’t a germaphobic or OCD person, but something about the old man repulsed him. Even though they had worked so closely together. But people were people. They had their faults. Sometimes you were attracted to people despite their faults. Sometimes their faults repulse you.

As Snape looked at the pensieve, he noticed a piece of hair floating on top of its mists. It looked like Harry Potter’s hair. He was suddenly inspired.

Snape went to the library and found out how to cast a spell to reveal who the hair belongs to. It turned out that it was Harry Potter’s hair.

Snape added Harry Potter’s hair to a Polyjuice potion. He took the Polyjuice potion and transformed into Harry Potter’s body. Then he pointed his wand to Harry Potter’s scar and said ‘legilimens’. He started ‘reading’ Voldermort’s mind.

Voldermort looked across the room at Bellatrix. It felt like jolts of thunder were going through his body. Bellatrix smelled like bergamot today … He went closer and closer to Bellatrix. Of course, he was not weak with emotions. But what he felt for Bellatrix was strong …

Voldermort started at Bellatrix’s eyes underneath the stars. And then a few moments later the stars were covered by the clouds.

Lord Voldermort sat with Bellatrix in the meadows; the meadows looked not unlike the meadows that Snape and Lily played in when they were children. The Dark Lord discussed with Bellatrix how he needed to produce an heir.

‘But you, Master, aren't you going to live forever?’ Bellatrix said.

‘Of course,’ Voldermort said. ‘But should it all go wrong, I want an heir to carry on my work.’

‘But our Grand Plan won’t go wrong!’ Bellatrix said. She looked at the grass for a few moments. She hesitated. ‘And if it does go wrong, would you want the heir of Slytherin to live in a world full of Mudbloods?’

Voldermort sighed. ‘I’m half-blood,’ he admitted.

They were both silent. They didn’t speak it out loud, but both knew what the Dark Lord meant; he cared more about producing an heir of Slytherin than perfecting the blood of the wizarding world.

Voldermort looked in the mirror and he looked at his ugliness. He wondered why Bellatrix loved him. He could not return Bellatrix’s love, for it had been said that he was incapable of love. But that did not mean that if he could feel love like everyone else, he wouldn’t love Bellatrix. It was not fair, but life wasn’t fair. Life hadn’t been fair to Tom Riddle. And now the Dark Lord was passing on that unfairness to Bellatrix. But what did it matter? It was all part of some grand plan.

But when Voldermort looked into Bellatrix’s eyes that evening, he forgot everything, forgetting the grand plan.

‘Enough!’ Snape said. He stopped himself from going any further in reading Voldermort’s thoughts. Any more, and he would be tempted to go back to being a real Death Eater, just so he could serve the Dark Lord and ease his pain. If Voldermort could not feel love, that did not mean he could not feel pain. Wasn’t pain just another sort of love? Snape knew all too well.


End file.
